Passing Me By

"Damn I wish I wasn't such a wimp" - Pharcyde

Familial Frustrations

Just had a convo. w/my Mom. She's got a bad habit of not listening to what I'm trying to imply or what I'm saying. I get a little worried when it comes around to money. It's just her now, and while my Dad could have diverted funds differently, he was as a whole good with money. She is too, but I guess I'm just worried that she's going to come across problems that I don't know if I can help with... her being retired, having to pay for the house, the state of the economy, etc. I wish I could do more, maybe I'll have to start calling home more often just so I know what's going on.

My own finances are all fucked up too. I just signed up for Quicken's online application, and wow, I'm not stacking any money. It's pretty sickening. It seems like every month, something comes up that just kills any chance I've got to save. Why can't months happen where I've got X amount going to rent, bills, etc., Y amount going to gas, entertainment, and Z NOT going to random costs that pop up. Fuck!

I really miss having my Dad around. I listened to Atmosphere's "Caved In" the other day, and it just reminded me that he's not here anymore. I'm sure we'd bicker like we usually do, haha, but I don't care. Hope he's at least happy to see me putting that college degree to use.

S2000 = Off Road Vehicle?

So yesterday during a drive that was ruined by rain, myself and others decided to have a little fun sliding around in an open lot in the rain. I don't understand how this happened, but I nailed a curb head on with the S2000. Awesome. Tweaked the core support (again, this time the other side), and gave the header a very small nick. It was actually pretty undramatic, slow, and not as bad as it might sound. My roommate Allen helped me straighten the core support today, and everything seems to be okay, the car just needs to be aligned. The bumper also has some nice rash all along the bottom of it. Sucks, the car was looking pretty clean. Things will be okay in time I guess.

I'm pretty bummed by the damage. But I'm more bummed by the fact that it happened when it could have been avoided. Apparently I still don't know when it's time to stop screwing around. I still don't have enough control over the car. I still panic in situations that I know how to control. I also looked like a dumbass in front of a bunch of my car guy friends. Nothing like hitting a curb to put your pride in check. Damnit, I'm such a fuckin' idiot sometimes.

I wish the skills I've been developing by just driving the car around and auto-x'ing it translated a little better to emergency situations. My second nature is still so wrong.

1-sided Convo's Are Great

Learn how to hold a fucking conversation. Talking at people gets old quick.

One Year Later...

So, it's been a year since I've used this thing. That's probably because I've reached a new low in laziness, business, and general lack of interest. Whatever though, I suppose this is still a good way to organize my thoughts.

So what's been up?

1a. Towards the end of last year, I ditched my horrible Corporate-leased Dodge Caliber for a '99 Civic Ex. What a piece that Caliber was: I blew 3/4 speakers in it with normal use, the clutch pedal squeaked loudly before it reached 1000 miles, it handled like garbage, and the interior smelled like poisonous plastics. The Civic was a cheap pick up to get me through the winter and daily grind, so it's got it's own quirks, but it gets 33+ MPG consistently! I couldn't keep myself from modding it... pictures soon hopefully. Oh, and I also got an '04 S2000 that I owe the bank about $18k for. It's an awesome car that I hope to keep forever. I just wish I hadn't hit a curb with it on the second day of owning it. I guess I can't own anything nice.

1b. Speaking of S2000's, mine in particular, my competitive side broke free through this car... kinda. I don't get competitive over much of anything really (competition often appears ugly to me), but Autocrossing this car, and initially losing by a significant amount has helped me find a healthy attitude towards competition. At the beginning of the season, a guy in the stock class I run in would continuously wipe the floor with me with his Silver Boxster. After much seat time and a very helpful auto-x class, I think I'm finally catching up to him, and it's an awesome feeling. I'll be very happy if I get 'em by the end of the season, but time is running out as I've nearly killed my stock Bridgestone RE050's that I won't replace until next season, and he's on a fresh set of BS RE01R's. [EDIT: the tires are officially donezo, they can be driven on, but I probably shouldn't count on having grip anymore after such a shit performance at today's CCM / Detroit Council event =(] Either way, the car has been good for me to have for multiple reasons, this being just one. At the verge of graduating, I told myself I'd pick up an S2000 since it's been a "practical" dream car for a while. Although the monthly car payment is a decent-sized hit to my income, I'm glad I went for it.

2. I recently took a trip to Seattle for vacation. Prior to flying out, I felt like I was beginning to feel well adjusted to Michigan. Despite it's horrible roads, climate, old school mentality, and an overall broke-down environment, it was beginning to feel not so bad. I'd been developing a decent circle of friends, and have a nice group of buddies to race (Auto-X) with. However, after just two days of hanging out in the North West with family and friends, I concluded that Michigan ultimately just isn't the right place for me. Other than the fact that I'm halfway across the country from my family and most of my deep-rooted friends - both of which are missed dearly out here - the area itself just doesn't suit me. It didn't take long for me to realize how much I missed all the little details of the PNW - it's green landscape, the elevation change, the non-humid summer, cool architecture, Puget Sound's layout, the people, etc. I'm not sure if or when I'll be able to go back, but Seattle is always going to be home.

3a. Being back for vacation gave me the opportunity to catch up with a lot of people. On the night before I flew back to Detroit, I was out at Neumo's in Capitol Hill and bumped into a long-time friend Tim, who's doin' big things with the Massive Monkees (aka world-renown b-boys). We talked about what we'd been up to, and while my life has been a lot more boring than his, he seemed to dig it. It's odd because he was telling me about all the places he's been traveling to (worldwide son!) and the type of opportunities he and his homies were landing (high-dollar endorsement contract vs. America's Best Dance Crew), and I really wished I could do some of the stuff he was involved in. He seemed so jaded by it though, and it sounded like he wished it could be more stable... kinda like my life (this is relative folks, I do work for the Big 3 afterall). It sounds like he's still very passionate about b-boying, but his argument was that it's not really something you could eat off of, whereas I've got a job and all that jazz. I guess you could say we've both been taking what we've got for granted. ...And this is where I shrug my shoulders and go "I guess the grass is always greener, right?" Note that I didn't say I wasn't blessed to have what I have as far as a professional life, I guess it's just feeling a little mundane.

3b. I also got the chance to hang out with a group of high school friends, one of which works for a high-profile investment firm, and another owns his own business and is going for an MBA. It sounds like both these dudes are geared up to earn some serious cheddar in a couple years. Makes me wonder about my career choice... more on that later.

3c. Shenanigans with my usual band of hooligans continued as usual the minute I landed in WA, and I loved every minute of it. I told myself I wasn't gonna pass out from alcoholism on Kevin's couch, but managed to do so on the first night back. Later in the trip I repeated this on Vincent's couch. Yeah, pretty much Summer Couch Tour '08. In between, there was kickin' it at Golden Gardens, getting killed in a Street Fighter 2 tournament, driving to Canada for awesome sushi buffet, droppin' knowledge on some dumb hos, teaching the locals some of my midwest-learned drinking games, and plenty of other nonsense.

3d. Also spent much needed time with the family, and finally paid a visit to my Dad after quite a while, RIP. That's all...

4a. Between peeking into the lives of friends of mine, the turmoil the auto industry is going through right now, how my colleagues are reacting, the general idea that engineer's never get the credit or pay they deserve, the fact that lots of engineering duties are being farmed out to India and China, and an overall unrest, I've been struggling a lot with whether or not I made the right career choice. Maybe I'm going through some mid-20's crisis, but I feel like it won't be long before I'm somehow buried into some boring, average Joe, middle-class American hole. I thought I was okay with this, but lately I've been getting a lot of desires to be notorious for something, or at least build some serious wealth (please don't confuse this with greed). The problem is, I'm not really sure how to go about that. A lot of my engineering buddies seem to be shifting towards CEO-ish aspirations - and more power to them - but I don't feel like that's something my heart would be in. Engineering is something I can feel passionate about, but it's not where the money's at. It sounds like I need to get in at the ground floor of a small, but rapidly growing, technical firm. ...Or create my own. It's a constant battle of wanting to put the time in and/or create opportunities vs. wanting to settle and work my way up with the doors that I've got. Maybe someday I'll make up my mind. I hope that day comes soon.

4b. A lot of my Chrysler friends are jumping ship right now. It's wild. So this is what happens when a company goes through one of it's darkest periods. I'm not sure what to make of it, but somehow it bums me out. It feels like being on a sports team that's doing shitty, and having the teammates that you trust the most, tell you that they're taking off for a different team, or different sport altogether. I don't know, maybe I'm more attached to the company that I think I am, because I really can't see myself taking off any time in the near future. I get frustrated A LOT at work between the decisions our leadership makes and the type of work I find myself doing, but somehow I have a lot of trouble seeing myself working somewhere else. Maybe I still have some small, annoying, belief that I can influence decisions, be part of some magnificent turnaround, or at least put my name on some cool shit. Maybe it's because cars are real to me, something I can be passionate about. Then again, I'm usually not up to date on the latest auto news, and I'm an all around car-guy that can't pledge allegiance to just one manufacturer. ...What am I doing here? Who knows. I guess I could say that I came here to do something, and I haven't done it yet, nor do I know how long it'll take to do. I have to constantly remind friends and family that this could be a permanent move. Do I believe that?

5. I'm not big into movies. I've got a long list of favorites, but I don't have much motivation to go out and sit in a theater for 2+ hours. When my roomies wanted to check out the new Batman flick, the Dark Knight, I was down, but not super enthused; especially since the last Batman movie I saw, I turned off in 20 minutes (Batman and Robin). I didn't know what to expect, but WOW. Insert cliche' phrase here: it's good on so many levels:
-There are quite a few layers to the story. On the surface, it's an action flick that puts Batman against the Joker, entangling all the other characters along the way. Within that, the main characters all have their own stories: Bruce Wayne for instance struggles with wanting to end the Batman gig so he can have a normal life, and not mentally being able to.
-All the characters have some depth, and are looked at from different perspectives throughout the movie. Harvey Dent / Two-Face seems to have the best intentions throughout, yet he makes some dangerous calls, showing how unstable he actually is. The Joker is an awesome villain, as his motivation isn't money or necessarily power, but more so just general chaos. A murderous villain without a clear objective seems much harder to stop. I read somewhere that Heath Ledger was experiencing some serious issues getting into character, which may have ultimately led to his death. That's damn tragic because his performance was insanely good. A buddy of mine commented on how serious actors do a lot to get into character, and having to get into a psychotic character, well... shit.
-There are a couple themes that get thrown out throughout the movie, a main one seems to be the struggle between what sacrifices can be made and what risks can be taken for the seemingly greater good (side note: Hot Fuzz ruined the term "greater good" forever for me). An interesting event that illustrates this is when Commissioner Gordon fakes his death, causing his wife and kids to feel the pain of actually losing him, while his goal is ultimately to protect them. Also, towards the end, Batman sets up a system to spy on the entire city (*cough*Patriot Act*cough*), is this wrong? Lucious Fox things so, but he agrees to use it once to help Batman catch the Joker. This theme is seen on multiple levels, as it ranges from the examples above, to Alfred - one of Bruce Wayne / Batman's closest folks - burning a letter from Rachel Dawes. A clear answer on what to do in X situation isn't given, and I don't really think it can be. The idea is that this is a gray area that's tough and confusing to deal with ...it definitely drew me into the movie a bit more. What I got out of it is that no one is going to ever be able to make a decision that satisfies everyone and some type of balance is required (wait, isn't this just some silly comic book movie?).
-Another huge contributor to the dopeness of the Dark Knight is the realism of the environment. Gotham is modern-day Chicago (sweet city btw). The cars (with IL plates), buildings, that sick ass MV Augusta that Bruce Wayne rides, all of that is tangible. Batman's outfit and tools have been modernized (it's '08, can't be in weird tights anymore), and are more believable; his outfit is part Kevlar or some other composite. The cops even have "GPD" on actual locations of squad cars and uniforms. Something about the lighting and angles used in the scenes also sets the current mood really well. This is a big, positive leap towards realism from the ridiculous lighting and strange architecture seen in Batman flicks from the past.
I'm not sure what else to comment on, but basically this movie really impressed me. It did have a few questionable moments: it disconnects from Batman Begins in some ways, yet in other ways it uses part of the story, a few minor parts of the story had some hiccups, but these are minor details. Like a dope song, this one stuck in my head for a while, and it takes a lot for a movie to do that. Part of me hopes there is a 3rd, but part of me hopes there isn't because of the high chance that it will suck and thus ruin the Dark Knight. We'll see.

Wow... that was a lot of words. Excuse the typos / grammatical errors. I was typing this shit at random times over the course of a few days. I'll try to update this thing more often. Next possible topic: Hip Hop concerts, motivated by a Blue Scholars & Hieroglyphics concert I went to last Friday. G'nite!